Revenge of the Living Ted

1 

Lisa Marie woke with a start from a bad dream, sat up suddenly and immediately headbutted her older brother. 

THONK! 

“Ow!” she said. Which, coincidentally, was exactly what her brother said. 

“What did you do that for?” Vernon demanded, rubbing the spot on his forehead where Lisa Marie had clonked him. 

“I didn’t do it on purpose!” Lisa Marie retorted. She looked around at her neat and tidy bedroom. “Why are you in my room? What were you doing leaning over me? Were you going to shout in my ear to wake me up?” 

Vernon looked hurt. “I can’t believe you think I’d do that to you!” 

“You do it at least once a week,” Lisa Marie pointed out. 

Vernon smirked. “Oh. Yeah. So I do.” The smirk became a full-blown grin. “Okay, you got me.” 

Lisa Marie shuffled back so she was sitting upright in bed. She yawned, stretched and studied her stepbrother. “Are you okay?” she asked. 

“I think so,” said Vernon. “But it might leave a lump.” 

“Not your head,” Lisa Marie said. “I mean, are you okay after last night?” 

Vernon blinked. “What? Why, what happened last night?”

“The . . . You know, the . . . I mean . . .” Lisa Marie’s voice became a shrill whisper. “What do you mean, ‘What happened last night?’ The teddy bears! You don’t remember?” 

Vernon raised one eyebrow. “Teddy bears? I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he said. 

Lisa Marie gasped. “What?! But--” 

Vernon’s face split into a grin. “Sorry, couldn’t resist. You should see your face,” he laughed. “Yes, I remember.” 

He shivered, recalling the army of evil teddy bears that had almost been the end of both of them. “How could I forget something like that?” 

Lisa Marie relaxed. “And you’re okay?” 

Vernon nodded. “Think so, yeah. I mean, it was all a bit . . .” 

“Discombobulating?” Lisa Marie guessed. Big words were one of her favorite things, and discombobulating was one of her favorite big words. 

“I have no idea what that means,” Vernon admitted. 

“It sort of means ‘disconcerting,’ ” Lisa Marie explained. 

Vernon continued to look at her. 

Lisa Marie sighed. “Confusing.” 

“Right. Gotcha. Couldn’t you just have said that in the first place?” asked Vernon. “I was going to say ‘terrifying,’ but yeah, it was disco bobbing or whatever too.” 

Lisa Marie didn’t bother trying to correct him. He was probably saying it wrong on purpose to annoy her. 

“And yes, I’m fine,” Vernon said. “You?” 

Lisa Marie reached for her glasses, which were sitting on her bedside table. She pulled them on, then nodded. “I’m okay,” she confirmed. 

And she was. It was surprising how okay she was, really. She’d been woken up just after midnight last night by Henrietta, the witch bear she’d made at the Create-a-Ted shop, and had watched helplessly as her dad and stepmom had been turned into a frog and a slug. 

From there things had quickly gotten even worse, thanks to Vernon’s demon-vampire-werewolf bear, Grizz, and his army of evil teds. Luckily, Lisa Marie, Vernon and a very special teddy named Bearvis had worked together to stop Grizz’s evil plan. They’d definitely saved the town and probably the whole world. 

It was a good thing it had been a Friday night so she didn’t have to get up early the next morning for . . . 

She sat forward suddenly in bed. 

THONK! 

“Ow! Will you stop doing that?” Vernon yelped, rubbing his forehead again. 

“It’s Saturday!” Lisa Marie said. “Morning. It’s Saturday morning!” 

“And that’s a good reason to headbutt me?” 

“It’s the first. It’s the first of November!” 

Vernon began to frown, but his eyebrows worked out what Lisa Marie meant before his brain did and quickly went into reverse. 

“Yeah. What’s . . . ?” He gasped. “Dad’s birthday! I mean your dad’s birthday. I mean Steve’s birthday! I mean--” 

“I know what you mean!” Lisa Marie told him. She threw back her covers and swung her legs out of bed, forcing Vernon to jump to his feet. “Let’s go and wish him a happy birthday.” 

Vernon nodded. “Okay,” he said. Then he chewed his lip. “Think he remembers being a frog?” 

“Not sure,” Lisa Marie admitted, taking her bathrobe off the back of her door. “Think Mom remembers being a slug?” 

Vernon puffed out his cheeks. “Dunno,” he said. “But I guess there’s only one way to find out.” 

 

2

Lisa Marie had many impressive skills--knowing science facts off the top of her head, solving crossword puzzles and saving the world from evil stuffed toys, to name but three. Singing, however, was not one of them. 

She stood in the middle of the living room, screeching her way through “Happy Birthday,” while Vernon mumbled halfheartedly along with her. As they reached the “dear Daaaaa-aaaaaad” part, Lisa Marie’s voice almost shattered the lightbulb, and forced Vernon to plug his ears with his pinkie fingers. 

When the song was finally over, Lisa Marie threw her arms around her dad’s waist, then presented him with the card she had made. 

Because she was almost as bad at art as she was at singing, she’d decided to cut letters out of a magazine to spell out the message on the front. It had seemed like a good idea at the time, but as she handed it over she couldn’t help but feel it looked like something a kidnapper might send to demand a ransom. 

“Thank you, sweetheart. It’s very creative,” Dad said, setting the card in pride of place on the mantelpiece. 

Vernon snorted. “How much do they want for the hostages, Steve?” he asked. “And where are you supposed to leave the money?” 

Vernon’s mom--Lisa Marie’s stepmom--shot Vernon a playfully stern look. “I suppose your card is a work of art, is it?” she asked. 

“Uh, I didn’t make a card,” Vernon said. “But we did get you a present! And I helped pay for it, even though we could’ve got you one for free.” 

Dad looked a little confused. “Uh, okay. Thanks?” 

“Don’t mention it,” said Vernon. 

Lisa Marie opened the living-room cupboard and pulled out a box. It was quite a bashed and battered box, with several tears in the wrapping paper that had been clumsily taped back together. She clutched it to her chest for a moment, like she didn’t really want to hand it over. 

“Am I getting it, then?” Dad asked. 

“Yep,” said Lisa Marie, but she kept hugging the box. 

Dad smiled. “When? Next birthday?” he teased. 

Forcing her fingers to release their grip, Lisa Marie reluctantly passed the box to her dad. He noticed the damaged wrapping for the first time and eyed the package warily. 

“Happy birthday,” Lisa Marie said. “Again. I hope you like it.” 

“I’m sure I’ll love it,” Dad replied, looking just a little nervous as he tugged on the torn wrapping paper. His eyes grew wider when he saw the clear plastic window of the box inside. 

“No!” he gasped. “You didn’t?” 

Staring out from inside the box was a teddy bear. Not just any teddy bear, though. It was a bear styled on Dad’s all-time favorite singer, Elvis Presley. 

“Elvis!” Dad laughed. 

“Technically, his name’s Bearvis,” said Lisa Marie. “The shop wasn’t allowed to call him Elvis.” 

“For legal reasons,” Vernon said. He shrugged. “Or so the shop guy said.” 

“But anyway, he prefers to be called the King,” Lisa Marie concluded. 

Dad chuckled. “I bet he does!” 

Prying open the box lid, he pulled the teddy bear out. It wore a white jumpsuit and matching cape, both of which were covered in shiny sequins. His hair was sleek black and teased up into an impressive pompadour. 

At least, that’s how he was supposed to look. In reality, his outfit was quite badly stained with dirt and soot, and there was a perfectly round hole through his hair, as if someone had shot at it with a ray gun. 

Which, coincidentally, was exactly what had happened. 

“He looks a bit like he’s been dragged backward through a bush,” Dad observed. 

Which, again, was exactly what had happened. 

“Does he?” said Lisa Marie, taking the teddy and examining it. His eyes stared glassily back at her--it was hard to imagine that just a few hours ago he’d been fighting heroically at her side. “Oh, you’re right. That’s a shame. I’d better hold on to him, in that case.” 

She tucked Bearvis under her arm. “We’ll get you something else.” 

“No, it’s--” 

Lisa Marie held up a hand to silence him. “Dad, please. I couldn’t possibly ask you to accept a present that’s in such bad condition. I’ll keep him. We’ll get you something else.” 

“Flies,” said Vernon. 

Everyone looked at him. 

“Sorry?” asked Dad. 

Vernon narrowed his eyes and studied his stepdad’s reaction. “We could get you some flies. You know, to eat?” 

“Why would I want to eat flies?” 

“I don’t know. You tell me,” said Vernon. “Why do you want to eat flies?” 

“He doesn’t!” said Mom. She looked at her husband. “You don’t, do you?” 

“Not that I know of.” 

Vernon nodded. “Interesting,” he said. “So, on a scale of one to ten, how much do you feel like a frog?” 

“What are you doing?” Lisa Marie whispered. 

“Can it be a scale of zero to ten?” Dad asked. 

“Okay,” Vernon said. 

“Zero. I feel zero out of ten like a frog.” 

Vernon nodded again. “Interesting.” He shrugged. “Fair enough, then.” 

Before he could ask his mom how much, on a scale of one to ten, she felt like a slug, Lisa Marie jumped in. “So, um, anything interesting on the news this morning?” 

“Not really,” said Dad. “Obviously all the news anchors got together to wish me a happy birthday, but other than that it was just the usual.” 

“Nothing . . . odd?” said Lisa Marie. 

Mom frowned. “Like what?” 

“Oh, I don’t know,” Lisa Marie said, twirling her hair and trying to look innocent. “Just anything unusual or out of the ordinary.” 

“Like a load of teddy bears coming to life and trying to take over the town,” said Vernon. He blushed slightly when everyone stared at him again. “You know, just as an example.” 

Mom and Dad exchanged a glance. “No,” said Mom. “I think we’d have noticed that.” 

This time, it was Lisa Marie’s turn to say, “Interesting.” 

She jabbed a thumb in the direction of the door. “Anyway, we’re just going to go get you a new present.” 

“The bear’s fine,” said Dad. “Honest.” 

“No! I’m keeping him!” said Lisa Marie, hugging the glassy-eyed ted tighter. She smiled sweetly. “I mean, we’ll find you something else. Come on, Vernon.” 

Vernon blinked in surprise, then trotted after her toward the front door. It was only once she’d pulled it open that her dad stopped her. 

“Uh, you should probably get dressed and have breakfast first.” 

Lisa Marie looked down at her pajamas and bathrobe. She’d saved the world wearing not much more, but she couldn’t exactly tell her parents that. 

“Yes,” she said, closing the door again. “I probably should.” 

Lisa Marie and Vernon strolled side by side toward the town center, Bearvis tucked under Lisa Marie’s arm. She felt bad taking back the present, but after everything she and Bearvis had been through, she couldn’t stand the thought of anyone else having him, even Dad. 

The street seemed so . . . normal, with people going about their business as if nothing had happened. It was hard to believe that just a few hours ago the children had been fighting for their lives here. 

“It’s good my mom and your dad don’t remember anything,” said Vernon. 

“You could just call them Mom and Dad, you know,” Lisa Marie replied. “And yes, it’s good.” 

She looked around at the people on the street. A woman jogged by, all red-faced and sweaty. A man pushed a double stroller with two toddlers securely strapped within. He yawned as he passed, his eyes barely open. 

“It’s kind of weird, though, isn’t it?” Lisa Marie whispered. “The way everyone’s acting like nothing happened.” 

Vernon shrugged. “Maybe they slept through it all.” 

Lisa Marie shook her head. “Grizz--the monster you created--took loads of people prisoner, remember? Word should have spread by now. There should be police and news cameras all over the place.” 

A man in a neon hoodie appeared around a corner ahead. He was tall, and stooped from the weight of the four shopping bags he was carrying. Lisa Marie gave Vernon a nudge. 

“Look! That’s what’s-his-name.” 

“So?” 

“So, he was one of the prisoners last night. Grizz--the monster you created--” 

“You don’t have to keep saying that.” 

“Well, I’m going to,” Lisa Marie replied. “Grizz--the monster you created--had him tied up in the square with everyone else. He must remember.” 

Vernon looked the approaching what’s-his-name up and down. “Maybe he doesn’t want to talk about it. He might be a very private person, which is why we have no idea what his name is.” 

Lisa Marie started walking more quickly. “I’m going to ask him.” 

“What? No!” Vernon hissed, but he was too late. Lisa Marie beamed broadly as she approached what’s-his-name. 

“Good morning!” she said, blocking the man’s path. 

What’s-his-name looked up and shuffled to a stop. “Uh, hi.” 

“My brother and I were just wondering if you had a good night last night,” Lisa Marie said. 

The man frowned and raised his eyes to Vernon as he ran up to join Lisa Marie. 

“Huh?” 

“Ignore her,” said Vernon, but Lisa Marie persevered. 

“We’re doing a survey. For school.” 

“But it’s Saturday.” 

“We’re very dedicated students,” Lisa Marie said. “Question one: What would you say was the most interesting thing that happened to you last night?” 

What’s-his-name sighed and adjusted his grip on the bags. “I don’t know,” he said. “We just watched a movie, really.” 

Lisa Marie clicked her tongue against the back of her teeth. “So, you weren’t, say, abducted by monsters? Or teddy bears? Or monster teddy bears?” 

The man snorted. “Is this a joke? These bags are heavy, you know.” 

Vernon put his hands on Lisa Marie’s shoulders and led her away. “Thanks for your time,” he called back. “Very helpful.” 

“But--” Lisa Marie began. 

“Shhh,” Vernon whispered. “You can’t just go around asking stuff like that. People are going to think you’re a weirdo.” He stopped. “Wait. What am I saying? You are a weirdo.”

“There’s nothing wrong with being different,” Lisa Marie sniffed. “But what about what’s-his-name? Don’t you think that’s weird? Either he’s lying, or he doesn’t remember what happened.” She stroked Bearvis’s head, deep in thought. “I could understand Mom and Dad not remembering--they weren’t themselves--but what if everyone’s forgotten? What if we’re the only ones who know what happened?” 

Vernon’s forehead furrowed. Lisa Marie knew this meant he was thinking hard. She could almost hear the cogs creaking inside his head. “I know someone who’s bound to remember,” he eventually said.