Dead River

Chapter One
Row row row your boat
and please please please take me
gently down the stream
to where I can't be hurt. We'll go
merrily merrily merrily merrily
and I won't fight
for life is but a dream
and death I think is the awakening.
Have you ever heard of suicide by river? You just wade out deeper and deeper, and before long the current carries you away. And by then there is nothing you can do about it.
A lot of people wonder what goes through a person's mind during the moments they're pulled away. Do they regret those steps into the churning waves? Do their lungs burn as they gulp for air and get nothing but earthy, thick liquid instead?
I don't wonder, though. Because wondering means I'd have to start thinking of her. And I won't spend a second thinking of someone who didn't think of me.
"You're zoning," a voice calls me back. Justin. One of his arms is draped over the steering wheel, and for the first time I realize his other arm is around me. He drums his thick fingers on my shoulder.
I give him a smile. "No, I'm not."
"Then what was the last thing I said?"
"The river is going to be outrageous," I answer.
That's only a guess, but a safe one, since all winter he's been talking about this trip and how the river is going to be outrageous. He keeps fidgeting the foot that's not on the gas pedal. Justin likes outdoorsy things, like climbing mountains and sleeping under the stars in subzero temperatures. He's been going to dam releases on the Dead since he was eleven. He's wearing a redandblackcheck lumberjack shirt, for God's sake. How did we ever get together? I much prefer sleeping in a warm bed. Hot cocoa. Icy water not dripping off the end of my nose. I'm, like Jack says in Titanic, more of an "indoor girl." Nothing wrong with that.
Though I should probably not be thinking about freezing waves and peril in the water right now.
"You write a good poem?" he asks me as I close the cover of the little leatherbound book I carry everywhere.
I wrinkle my nose. I'm never sure anything I write is good. I'm the editor of the yearbook and literary magazine only because nobody else wanted those jobs. Wayview High is big into hockey, and that's about it. My school puts out only one issue of its literary magazine, The Comet, a year, mostly because we get no submissions, and so half of the poems in this year's issue were from me. I'd even written a few haiku about hockey, hoping it would get someone's, anyone's, interest. Little good it did. I'm not sure anyone read them, other than my English teacher. Oh, and Justin. At least he said he did. But looking down at my most recent effort, I'm not sure if I want anyone to see it. "Please take me gently down the stream to where I can't be hurt"? Somehow I can't escape the thought of icy cold water and death, even in my writing.
"Are you scared?" Justin asks me.
"No," I say quickly, resolute. "Of course not." At least, I try to sound resolute, but it's hard, especially since the thought that's now center stage in my brain is that of a thousand human icicles bobbing in a black, endless sea.
"Of course you are, Ki. This is the Dead River we're talking about," Hugo Holbrook says from the back of the truck. I dig my fingers into the vinyl armrest. Of all the people my cousin Angela could have invited on this trip, I can't believe it's Hugo I'll be sleeping in a cramped cabin with for four nights. It's bad enough that I have to spend hours after school in the closetsized yearbook office with him when we're on deadline. How does she find him even remotely attractive? He has nostrils like black holes and eyes so close together that the space between them is a rickety footbridge. And I'm convinced that his laugh is why earplugs were invented. Wahah wahah wahah. "Look at her. She's shaking."
"It's freaking cold," I mutter, grimacing at Angela, Miss He'sKindofCuteandReallyLikesMe, in the rearview mirror. She's the same cousin who nursed a frighteningly ugly and smelly threelegged lizard back to health in her bedroom when we were eight, after my aunt and uncle ran it over with their Cadillac SUV. Most people wouldn't have touched it with the back of a shovel, but Angela let it sleep on her pillow.
But Angela doesn't notice my scowl. Her eyes are focused on the river. It's black and churning because they released the dam yesterday, something they do about ten times a year so that the rapids will be intense for rafting. Not exactly as inviting as, say, a dance floor. And lucky me, I'll be in the middle of it tomorrow.
We pass a wooden sign in a stark field: WHAT A MAN SOWS THAT SHALL HE ALSO REAP-GALATIANS 6:7. I shudder and avert my eyes. I'd actually convinced myself that I wanted this. That this would be fun. The sparkling white frost in the bottom of a roadside ditch makes me think about the iceblue satin gown I saw in Macy's. Then Angela says, "Turn here."
She points down a narrow dirt road descending into the thick forest.
"You're not going down there," I say, incredulous, as Justin barrels in. It's clear, of course, that he is, that we all are, but I think the visions of white water are dancing through his head, crowding out all the sane thoughts.
"Why not?"
"Hello? Mud season?" Among other things. It looks so dark and final down that road. As in People have gone in, but they've never come out.
"That's what fourwheel drive is for," he says, shifting into gear. The engine revs and we push forward. He pats the dashboard. "That a boy, Monster." Justin always wanted a dog, so since his parents forbade it, he named his truck Monster.
"It's cool, Ki." Angela smiles and pounds her fists on her thighs. "Come on, Monster. You can do it!"
I shiver again, thinking that if my aunt and uncle, Angela's parents, didn't own a cabin in Caratunk, we never would have considered coming here. But Justin, Angela, and I have been planning this forever. Well, mostly Justin and Angela. They've talked about it constantly. It was Justin's idea. Instead of going to the prom, we would skip school and drive up to the cabin for a long weekend during the release. The two of them were so into it, and so antiprom, that I didn't want to be the brat to tell them I thought dressing up for one evening might be fun. Of course, since I thought my dad would freak out if I even mentioned the word "river" to him, I told Justin we'd have to lie. I didn't explain the details to Justin, just that my father thought rafting was dangerous. So we decided to tell my dad that we were going camping at Baxter State Park. Justin hates deceiving anyone, so for him to lie to my father so convincingly, I knew this was where his heart was.
Back when the idea was hatched, I'd convinced myself I didn't care about the prom. My friends had a way of rolling their eyes and making snide jokes about the event every time it was mentioned, so I went along with it. Angela is a flipflops and Tshirt girl, so she was dying for an excuse to dodge tripping in threeinch heels. Plus, she's been on the Dead a hundred times. I'd always seen myself in iceblue satin, descending a long, winding staircase with a tuxedoed prince, but I couldn't tell them that. They would have laughed their heads off at me.
You reap what you sow, I think, leaning my forehead against the cool window, letting my breath condense on it in a circle so I can draw a smiley face. Then I wipe it out as Monster sticks again and Angela shrieks, "Just gun it! Gun it, boy!" like a total hick.
I so sowed this.
It's too late now. I should have said something to Justin. Something like "I'll go rafting with you if you go to the prom with me." After all, the heart of compromise is prom. But this weekend is all him. And it's too late to change that. I'll just need to suck it up, pretend I'm enjoying myself, and make him take me shopping next weekend. This weekend can be his, as long as the next one is mine.
Justin grins, digs his foot into the accelerator, and we lurch forward. More shrieking. Laughter. This morning's cinnamon raisin bagel gurgles in the back of my throat. I'm not even in the water yet and I can already feel the current carrying me away.
A minute later the cabin comes into view, and my spirits brighten considerably.
"Whoa, Angela. You said 'cabin'?" Justin asks, staring up at it.
"Yeah. Cozy, huh?"
My mouth drops open. Justin, Hugo, and I live in trailers on the west end of Wayview, Maine. It should be called Noview, though, because everywhere you look, there's nothing but tall pines. It was Dad's way of insulating me from anything that could possibly remind me of the river where my mother died. There's not a brook, a pond, or even a puddle anywhere in sight. Angela's house, or mansion, as most would say, is on the east end of the forest. Angela's dad, my uncle, is a retired CEO and owns a lot of real estate. This vacation "cabin," which they bought last year but have maybe used a total of twice, is probably bigger than all three of our trailers put together. I look over at Justin, and for once, his expression matches mine.
Then he sighs. I am sure he was looking forward to "roughing it." I'm feeling better already. I can keep my distance from Hugo. Maybe we'll even have running water. A steamy shower would be so . . .
She catches me smiling. "It's nice, huh? But my parents turned off the water for the winter, so . . ."
Of course. They only use the cabin in the warmer months. The pipes would have frozen and burst during the long Maine winter if they hadn't turned off the water. I swallow the bad taste in my throat. "It's cool."
We pile out and Justin begins pulling things from the bed of his truck. Groceries, a backpack of my clothes, my travel chess set, the liter of Absolut Justin took from his dad's overstocked and underused liquor cabinet to celebrate our conquering of the Dead. Hugo starts snapping pictures of all the trees, as if we don't have enough of them back home. From here, the river sounds like the gentle hum of an electric toothbrush. The sky is the somber color of castle walls, and the leaves turn out, welcoming rain. Shapeless heaps of dingy snow fight for survival in the new spring grass. Angela grabs a handful of snow and molds it into a ball.
"Don't you dare," I whisper, shivering as I back away.
But it's obvious she has other plans. She launches it over to Justin. It breaks into pieces squarely at the back of his neck, making him jump. He turns to us, amused, but before I can point her out, I realize Angela is already pointing at me, an innocent expression on her face. "Dude, I know it's you," he says to Angela.
He throws my pillow at her. It lands in the mud. "Justin!" I shout, annoyed, but I stop when I realize everyone else is laughing. Sometimes it bothers me how well the two of them get along. After all, they are best friends, and have known each other since way before I came into the picture. Justin once told me that Angela is like the sister he never had, and physically she's not at all like the long line of fair, willowy blondes he's been associated with, of which I'm the latest. She's not fat, but she's solid, with wild, curly black hair and dark skin that turns almost chocolate in the sun. Angela was afraid that she would feel like a third wheel on this trip, which is why she invited Hugo, but she and Justin have so much in common, sometimes I feel like the odd person out.
I've heard the story a thousand times. They met on a skiing trip at Sugarloaf when they were both trying to learn the bunny slope. Their parents became friends and then they found out that they both lived in Wayview, so they kept in touch, going on vacations together sometimes in the winter and summer. Angela went to a private school in Massachusetts, but when I came up, my father insisted I go to the public school, mostly because we didn't have the money. Justin was in my class, but I didn't know him well. When we reached high school, Angela successfully convinced her parents to transfer her to public school by failing out of every class she took. Her parents thought that with my father teaching at Wayview High, maybe she'd be inclined to goof off less. Freshman year, she introduced me to Justin, but I didn't think anything of it other than that he was really cute. He was dating some other blonde in our class, but we always seemed to get thrown together when Angela had parties. It wasn't until junior year, when I had to do an article on the swim team for yearbook, that we fell for each other. He was the captain, and he came by the yearbook office one day after school to identify all the people in the group photo. He was leaning over me, really close, and then he just moved in and kissed me. We made out for an hour, right in the yearbook office. I remember constantly saying, "But Angela . . . ," and him whispering, "Angela has nothing to do with this."
I snatch the pillow up and dust it off. It's not that bad. I feel stupid for overreacting. Hugo confirms the fact by snapping a picture of me and captioning it "Girl About to Explode." He grins. "Not like there probably aren't four thousand pillows in this place."
I push the camera out of my face. I'm about to explain that my pillow is hypoallergenic and my allergies are always worst in the spring and it's the only pillow I've found that's comfortable enough, but he's right. I do need to loosen up. Funny, I've spent so much energy trying to convince my dad that he'd be okay if he took the shackles off my wrists that I never even thought about whether I would be okay once I finally got loose. This is my first trip away from my dad, away from home. And that is thrilling . . . but terrifying.